“Today is a very special day… Today’s the day my pussy comes of age.”
Ground floor: perfumery, stationery, and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food. Going up!
In the direction of Mrs Slocombe’s pussy, no doubt. I don’t know about you, but that much-mentioned moggie is always the first thing I think of whenever I hear that immortal phrase Are You Being Served?
With more double entendres than all the Carry On films put together, Are You Being Served? was of course that innuendo-laden, oh-so-English sitcom set in a fun-filled fictional London department store, Grace Brothers.
The BBC’s classic feast of cheeky, camp bawdiness was created by Jeremy Lloyd (Mr Joanna Lumley for a few minutes) and David Croft and ran for a rather delicious 69 episodes across 10 seasons (and one movie that took them away from the department store to Spain’s ‘Costa Plonka’ with Manuel from Fawlty Towers) from 1972 to 1985, plus a short-lived spin-off Grace & Favour in 1991–1992.
Mrs Slocombe was the show’s main female protagonist, a woman of a certain age who tries her best to maintain an exaggeratedly dignified demeanour, but can easily become pugnacious and a bit common in a crisis.
Her pampered pedigree feline Tiddles — arguably the most famous pussy in Britain, which “wins prizes every time she shows it” received a mention in virtually every ribald episode, often leaving the rest of the store staffers in amazement or outright shock.
No spring chicken but amply proportioned in every area, Mrs Slocombe was the blousy senior saleswoman of Grace Bros’ ladies department who was renowned for her bouffant hair notably rendered in an ever changing display of sickly sweet colours, from purple and blue to lime green and tangerine, yet her shape-shifting coiffure is never mentioned by any of her fellow workers.
Slocombe became one of the most memorable characters in British comedy. And Mollie Sugden, the much-loved actress (Coronation Street, the Liver Birds) that played her, was born 100 years ago, 21 July 1922 in Keighley, a quaint old English market which sits between the counties of West Yorkshire, North Yorkshire and Lancashire on the outskirts of Bradford.
So without further ado, ladies, gentlemen and Mr Humphries, I’m free to present to you ten of the very best quotes about her lovely pussy from the lips of the formidable Mrs Mary Elizabeth Jennifer Rachel Abergavenny ‘Betty’ Slocombe (née Yiddell) herself. In other words, dear Sexy Knickers.
And I am unanimous in that.
“Ooh, what about this fog. My pussy’s been gasping all night.” (A Bliss Girl)
“Mr Humphries, leave my pussy alone!” (The Apartment)
“But they’re all dogs. Is there no demand for mechanical pussies?”
Captain Peacock: “I am told that people prefer the real thing.” (A Change Is As Good As A Rest)
Oh hello, is that Mr Akbar? Mrs Slocombe here, your next door neighbour. I wonder would you do me a favour? Would you go to my front door, bend down, and look through the letter box, and if you can see my pussy, would you drop a sardine on the mat? No, Mr Akbar, I’m at work.” (Closed Circuit)
“You’re lucky to have me at all, Captain Peacock. I had to thaw me pussy out before I came. It had been out all night.” (Cold Comfort)
“Well, I hope it’s not going to take long. If I’m not home on the stroke of seven my pussy starts clawing at my busy lizzy.” (The Father Christmas Affair)
[On having to stay for a meeting after working hours] “You know, this sort of thing just isn’t fair on my pussy. She has a go at the furniture if I’m not there prompt.” (German Week)“Can we get on? I’ve got to get home. If my pussy isn’t attended to by eight o’clock, I shall be stroking it for the rest of the evening.” (The Junior)
“It’s a wonder I’m here at all. My pussy got soakin’ wet. I had to dry it out in front of the fire before I left.” (New Look)
“She went right up to the sergeant at the desk, and she said, ‘Have any of your constables reported having seen this lady’s pussy?’” (Shedding The Load)
I think you can agree they’ve all done very well!
You have been reading…
Steve Pafford
