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Flunky Tory: The queasy quintet who want to be Britain’s next prime minister

You hear my voice — it’s like an expat sighing.

Gosh, that Tory leadership debate thing. I’ve just endured it on the ‘Tube — that’s YT, not LT, though both seem to be struggling at the moment, as are the “five candidates battling to succeed Boris Johnson as Conservative party leader.”

It must be the heat.

Jeez, whatever the weather they’re a pretty pitiful bunch, aren’t they?

This not so fabulous fivesome did everything they could on the not so special ITV special not to answer questions directly — but, hilariously, the only thing they agreed on was that none of them wanted to have the now pariah Doris in their cabinet. You really couldn’t make it up.

Me? I’m just happy that he’s going, and his resignation announcement took place just days after I penned a scathing POV on this POS. 

It’s my article wot dun it.

Anyway, as I — shock, horror — still possess a British passport that affords me voting rights should I feel inclined I’ve decided to sum up and scored the contestants on the Conservative merry-go-round so you don’t have to. The list order, however, is how I predict the contest will go via the MPs vote at Westminster, from most popular to least likely to.

Then it’s down to the Conservative members in the country at large — in other words, the blue rinse brigade, average age around 90. I wonder how they will cope with mot having your regulation white male on the ballot paper. 

Oh, what fun.

Rishi Sunak 6.5/20

Visiting a friend a few years ago, Paul Robinson, who lives in Rishi Sunak’s Richmond, North Yorkshire constituency, I confessed that I found the MP quite impressive for a Tory and when the time comes he would be the one to watch. It can’t be denied that as Britain’s wealthiest member of parliament the then chancellor in control of the nation’s purse strings brought about some welcome measures way ahead of most countries, such as the furlough scheme during the first wave of the Covid pandemic, but sadly the more I’ve got to know about him the less enthusiastic I’ve become.

While I’ll always be grateful to Sunak and Sajid Javid for firing the starting pistol to kill off the BoJo show does the UK really want another privileged entitled ‘nob’ who seems not to have a clue how ordinary people live? The leaked video where he couldn’t stress quickly enough that to identify as working class is more hideous than even he is may go against him. Then again, the Tory grassroots love a bigot, and RS did display his nasty nationalist credentials by voting for Brexit.

To these eyes, dishy Rishi has been coming across as even more oleaginous than the tub of lard soon to vacate No.10, and that’s saying something. Christ, he’s as slippery as a vat of Crisco in a heatwave.

Liz Truss 7/20

While I will never find it in me to totally despise anyone who voted Remain, even if they’re a right-wing Tory, I can’t say there’s much that grabs me about Truss’ persona and performance on screen. She’s oh-so-obviously trying to pitch herself as the 21st century Thatcher, even down to carbon copies of some of the Iron Lady’s outfits from her early years in No.10, yet it feels like she lacks that indomitable force of character and domineering spirit necessary to be an effective female Prime Minister. 

The foreign secretary’s anti-woke comments has got activists all hot under the pussy bow yet her voting record is actually fairly moderate in a lot of areas, including calling for higher taxes on banks and supporting LGBT rights, including same-sex marriage. Truss may get in the final run-off though I’m not sure her anti-Brexit stance in the referendum will do her any favours, which is why she’s gone with the wind in order to curry favour with Eurosceptic voters of the blue rinse variety. 

Penny Mordaunt 6/20

Well, hello Catherine Deneuve’s secret sister from across the Channel: “Quite big tits” as Dame Patsy Stone would say. Displaying a lipsmacking hunger for the top job in more ways than one, Ms Mordaunt has been the bookies’ favourite for, ooh, days. Policy-wise, according to the website TheyWorkForYou she always voted for a reduction in spending on welfare benefits with 47 votes for and zero against. Boo, Hiss. Blah blah blah.

Less callously, the trade minister has always voted in favour of LGBT rights, including same-sex marriage, and though she’s certainly easy on the eye, hand on chest I can’t really say I find her terribly inspiring. If the most noteworthy thing about her campaign is that she’s obvious enough to use the PM for PM slogan that even a five-year-old would cringe at then you know she’s probably a birrova lightweight… well, except in the upper body area, obvs. 

Kemi Badenoch 3/20

Thought it would be kinda cool to have a black female PM, I pray to god it won’t be Olukemi Olufunto Badenoch. Being a minority that the ‘woke’ brigade would naturally want to side with is all well and good but that doesn’t give you a Get Out Of Jail card whenever you exhibit signs of cuntery.

During the EU referendum of 2016 ‘Kemi’ campaigned strongly for Leave. Born to Nigerian parents, she spent large parts of her childhood in Lagos and the US so, as single-issue simplistic as it sounds I just cannot abide anyone of immediate foreign heritage who votes in favour of a nationalist, racist and xenophobic policy like Brexit. Immigration? Pah, that’s what happens to other people. 

In 2019 she deliberately abstained on a vote to extend same-sex marriage rights to Northern Ireland and her intransigence on the issue of conversion therapy saw three LGBT advisers to the government to quit, citing Badenoch’s position as “appalling”. Shortly after her appointment as Minister of State for Equalities, Vice News revealed that they had received leaked audio from 2018 in which she mocked gay marriage, and insultingly referred to trans women as “men”. Perhaps it’s a case of wishful thinking but with the poisoned chalice of being supported by the ghastly Gove I have a feeling she’ll be knocked out within a matter of days. Bye Felicia!

Tom Tugendhat 8/20

At last, a relatively sane candidate! And the one who seems the least interested in the trappings of office and the inevitable weekends at Chequers, despite being the nephew of Lord Tugendhat, former Vice President of the European Commission. Yes folks, TT is the most Europhile of the quintet and was a notable campaigner for Remain. A centrist through and through, he’s also in favour of LGBT rights, is married to a French femme, is a former journalist and Arabic-speaking soldier who served in Iraq and Afghanistan… AND is a Cancerian whose birthday is the day after me, so obviously the latter in particular is super important here.

Where Tom has let the side down is that he publicly praised Saudi Arabia’s Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, the murdering despot who ordered the assasination of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. 

Oh well, you can’t have everything. As much as I think he’s the least worst candidate I don’t really fancy his chances, mainly due to his pro-EU position and boring bank manager dynamic. Having said that, coming after Herr Heifer’s tenure perhaps the Tory faithful will opt for the polar opposite of Johnson in the same way that John Major was the absolute antithesis of the woman he replaced, dear old Thatch.

Lest we forget, Major was also the last four-eyed inhabitant of No.10 so if specs equals sex then anything is possible.

Gawd help Britain.

Steve Pafford

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